Rebellious Ranting

I’ve been thinking about my life and my past lately and I feel like it doesn’t exist.

My life has been a blur and I feel more grown than I actually am. I feel like I’m at least 5 years older than I actually am. First off… My childhood is scattered in bits and pieces in my memory and some memories feel made up or dream like. I cannot tell what is truth and what is not when it comes to my memories between the ages of 0 - 13. This is a big deal to me. I cannot remember what exactly happened, but I know it did. These scattered bits of my childhood sometimes make no sense when put together. I try to avoid the subject of the past at all costs, but recently it’s been unavoidable.

I talk to my mother about the past and I feel like she’s telling me the story of somebody else’s life. The events she tells me are so foreign. I’m discovering somebody new… This somebody is me.

That is how I see my past. Either spotted or dream like and I am unsure of it’s actual occurance. In the present I face minor blackouts and memory problems. Intense Deja Vu experiences and the feeling of disconnection to reality. I’ve been trying to explain this to many people and all they can say is, “Wow.”

My minor blackouts don’t change how I funtion on a day to day basis. For instance, I will be driving down the road and I’ll get to one point and think, “I don’t remember getting here.” I hadn’t been doing anything else other than driving to distract me, so I try to replay the past few moments in my head like a video with the ability to rewind, pause, fast forward, etc. I play it either direction and at one point, my memory goes back and picks back up again in a minute. I missed that moment of time. I am unable to piece together the full moment and I freak out. I’ve begun to become used to these instances, but it affects me the most when it affects other people. I’ve had fights I cannot remember. I’ve told people certain things that I don’t remember telling them. My brain takes over and says, “You don’t get to see this part and you never will.” My brain is torturing me.

I have incredibly intense Deja Vu experiences. Sure you may feel like you’ve been in a certain moment before, but I can have a moment where I will be going some work with my hands and I will watch how my arm moves and I know where it goes and what will happen next, but I cannot control it. Once I get this sensation of watching and knowing, I cannot change my actions. This is a little difficult to describe in words since I am a person who uses their hands to help them speak. However, I hope this is a clear enough image of how intense my experiences with Deja Vu are. But this isn’t the last of it. I wouldn’t call this other experience Deja Vu. I don’t have a name for it, but if I did, it would be “video game syndrome” because that’s the only way I can describe it. It is similar to my Deja Vu as to where I will watch my limbs and feel like I’m not controlling them, but I do not know what will happen and I can partically take control. I would call it the “video game syndrome” because it feels like I’m watching somebody play a first person viewed game and I’m watching it, waiting to see what happpens next. When I partically take control, it feels like I’m fighting for the controller. I know that this is not exactly what I feel and see, but it’s the best way I can describe it.

This also relates to my disconnection to reality. Take everything I’ve previously stated and mix it together and you get the feeling that you’re not real and that you’re just watching something or experiencing it for the sake of experiencing it. Simply put, I have moments where I don’t feel real, where the moment feels like a dream and I’m just waiting to wake up. This usually happens when I’m in a moment of bliss or terror. I try to push the feeling aside and embrace the moment, but the feeling is always there. Am I in dream land?

I’ve been going through this for years, but it really became noticable after I had an experience with the drug called Salvia. A hallucinagen that seemingly changed my life. I had a bad trip, but as I looked deeper into what I thought was a basic problem, I noticed that I’ve been going through this for more years than I can remember, it was just intensified by the Salvia. I have looked into multiple nerological and psycological diseases. I’ve found one callec Depersonalization Disorder. I relate to it the most and usually the cause is related to a hallucinagenic drug, but alas… My moment with Salvia only hightened these nergological symptoms within me. I do have a minorly tilted brain from being kicked in the head as a child (my brain still functions fine) which gives me migranes and I can go blind if the cercumstances are right. I’ve only gone blind twice, but I can’t help but wonder if these current issues of connection to reality are linked to my migranes and nerological abnormalies. I have no way to know. I cannot see a doctor like I need to.

I feel that I have written everything about my mental issues as I can. If you read the whole thing, thank you. Perhaps you know something I don’t.